All just a little too much
by HolbyHeartbeat
Summary: "I need you Sacha Levy, more than you'll ever know." Set after Bargaining (s20, ep 33) and focusing on Sacha's mental health. When he ends up on the hospital roof, there's only one person that can help to talk him down. Jacha and Flac (a bit of an angsty mess).


**I was going to write a multi-chapter but then this happened instead.**

 **Set after Bargaining (s20, ep33) and based on spoilers for Man Down (s20, ep35) - if you haven't seen the spoilers, this is the episode based on Sacha and his mental health so the below has mentions of depression/suicide.**

 **Sorry it's so long! I can't seem to help it when I'm writing Jacha... I haven't written anything in a while so I'm not sure whether I've got them quite in character.**

 **xx**

* * *

 **A** **ll just a little too much**

Sacha Levy was used to working under pressure.

He was known for his cheerful attitude when faced with an awkward patient, could handle a major incident without panic and often found himself consoling an upset nurse after a hard day, with a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit.

He knew how to make other people happy. How to relax his patients and reassure the worried relatives.

What he wasn't so good at was reassuring himself. He forgot that he was human, just like everyone else. Sometimes, the demons inside his head seemed to get the upper hand, planting that seed of doubt that only flourished after a challenging shift. And right now, those demons were screaming.

'Bad day' didn't really cover it. It hadn't even been a bad week. It had been one hellish year that only seemed to get worse the harder he tried to claw himself back to some sort of normality.

Sacha sighed and ran a hand through his scruffy hair as he clenched his fists closed. He had locked himself in the staff room once the night staff had left to start their shift and turned off the lights, letting the darkness drown out the chaos inside his head, but nothing seemed to be helping. The more he tried to ignore the feeling of emptiness in the pit of his stomach the more it threatened to consume him.

The hospital was quiet at this time of night. Peaceful even. He let his eyes drift closed as the blood pounded in his ears and his mind drifted to ITU.

But his stomach churned again just at the thought of the place and how long he had spent there recently, watching the people he loved the most in the world fighting for their life in front of him. He had thought, in the weeks after the shooting, that things would start to get better. The hospital was bruised and hurting but there was no way that things could get worse. And then they did.

He had felt the indescribable wash of relief flood his veins as he read Essie's letter, knowing that she was going to be ok, that she was in remission. And then the very same day, only hours later, his best friend was nearly snatched from his life forever without giving him the chance to speak to her one last time.

Fletch had paged him that day. He knew it was because he couldn't bear to speak the words over the phone, but reading the message flash across his pager had made his own heart skip a beat.

"ITU. JAC. URGENT - FLETCH."

He had also known instantly that it was serious – it always was when a patient ended up in ITU – but even from the four words that flashed across his pager he could tell that Jac was in trouble. He could feel it. And even though his head had told him to get there as quickly as possible he had found himself rooted to the spot, unable to move or think or breathe. He had been terrified of getting there too late but at the same time didn't want to make the thoughts that were racing through his head a reality.

Was this the universe's way of telling him he could only have one? Essie or Jac. He could only keep one safe at a time and if he took his eye off the ball for too long, he'd lose both.

He had saved Jac the day of the shooting and lost Raf, leaving Essie broken and alone. Was this Sacha tilting the balance again? He could have Essie back but only if he gave up Jac. Essie would beat her cancer if Jac finally lost her fight.

After all, there was only so much one person could go through.

Sacha hated himself for even thinking that way. For being so selfish as to think that their problems were his own burden. But he couldn't help but feel like a bad omen. They were safe before Sacha tried to help. It was his job to look after his staff, and yet he had lost so many of them within the last year. He couldn't save Jasmine for Jac and he couldn't save Raf for Essie. And now they were going to be taken from him too. Because he wasn't strong enough to help them.

How many people was he willing to risk before he could be stopped? Before it was his children that suffered and not just his friends.

Not that his kids cared much about him. Rachel and Becca had their own lives now. They didn't have time for their embarrassment of a dad. Becca had refused to speak to him since he had left her the angry voicemail, and he couldn't say he blamed her. He'd overstepped the mark. Taken his frustration out on an answer machine and had no intentions of trying to fix it.

And Daniel? He hadn't seen Daniel properly in years. How could he feel close to his own son with only a few broken video calls and a birthday card once a year? He doubted Daniel would even recognise him if he met him in the street.

No one would miss him if he weren't around. No one needed him, not his patients, his friends, his family. All he did was make things worse. Make promises he couldn't keep and then have to watch his actions destroy the lives of the people he cared about.

Sacha ran a hand over his face and squeezed his eyes closed again, taking a deep breath.

"There's only one way to keep them safe," he whispered to himself, and in that moment he was in control. The fog had lifted and he knew what he had to do.

* * *

"Well, your stats are looking a little better today," Fletch smiled as he replaced the file at the bottom of Jac's bed and perched on the side to look at her properly. "How are you feeling?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" Jac raised an eyebrow but Fletch could see the flinch as she moved slightly.

"You have a little more colour in your cheeks," Fletch continued but Jac rolled her eyes.

"Stop talking to me like one of your patients. I just want out of here," she sighed, pressing the back of her hand against her forehead. "I'm sure Roxanna has been back every half hour just to make sure I'm still alive."

"Not funny," Fletch frowned and Jac shrugged.

"What?"

Fletch shook his head and tried to hide the smirk from his lips. It was the first he had heard her joke in days.

"Have you spoken to Gaskell lately?"

"No," Jac mumbled and Fletch looked at her seriously.

"Have you been pretending to be asleep whenever he's around again?"

There was a pause.

"No."

"Jac-"

"He's barely around anyway," she argued. "And I don't pretend to be asleep. I just want to feel like myself again and stay awake for more than half an hour. I dread to think what weird and wonderful drugs they're pumping through my veins every day."

"I know," Fletch smiled, taking her hand in his. It felt strange knowing that she wasn't going to instantly pull it away again. "But until they're sure the infection is gone for good you need to stay on the happy drugs. When's Jonny bring Emma in?"

It was a distraction, but he'd try anything to take her mind off the fact that she wasn't in control right now. She wasn't the doctor she was the patient, and she had to listen to what was best for her.

"Once I'm out of here and on a normal ward," Jac waved a hand absently at the room. "She's driving Jonny crazy with Peppa Pig and demanding he takes her to the petting zoo again."

"Sounds like the Emma I know," he grinned but Jac didn't look at him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Hey," he soothed, raising her hand in his until she turned to look at him again. "What's wrong? Emma will be fine, she's a tough little cookie. Just like her mum."

Jac smiled weakly, swallowing hard.

"I promised her I would fix Sarah," Jac spoke quietly, letting her hand slip out of Fletch's and on to her lap. "I brought her pig to work with me so I could 'soozer her up'. Emma's words obviously, not mine. I don't know where she learns it all. But then I ended up in surgery all day and then-"

There was another pause. Fletch knew exactly what had happened next. They'd argued, he'd left, and it was nearly the last time he'd ever spoken to her.

She must have been feeling unwell, and he should have noticed. He would have noticed, he thought, if he hadn't been too preoccupied with Evie and his dad. She had mentioned a headache, had looked tired when he'd entered her office in a bad mood, and yet she had still tried to help him with his personal problems which he had then thrown back in her face when the truth got a little too hard to stomach.

Because looking back on it now, he could see that he was very much the problem. She had been right; failure ran in his family. And that day he had failed Jac long before she had collapsed in her office.

Fletch blinked, trying to erase the images from his mind.

"Where's Sarah now?" He asked, watching as she twisted the bed sheets through her fingers.

Jac shrugged.

"Probably still in my bag with her leg hanging off," she said. "Just another way I've let her down. She doesn't go to bed without that pig and now Jonny's going to have to deal with tantrums and tears because I couldn't fix it."

"You haven't let her down, Jac. Not once. And anyway, you're in luck," Fletch smiled as he pushed himself away from the edge of Jac's bed. "Because I think Nicky brought your bag up a few days ago. It should be in here somewhere."

Fletch opened a nearby cupboard and produced Jac's handbag, holding it up until she nodded her agreement for him to open it.

"There she is," he grinned as he pulled out Sarah the pig, one leg dangling by a single thread. "What on earth happened to her?"

"Her leg got stuck in a swing," Jac shrugged again and Fletch could see her eyes growing heavy. She looked exhausted and Fletch knew that despite what she told anyone, she needed more time for her body to recover before she could leave ITU. There were still too many risks, too many tests they had to run daily to make sure she was improving how they would expect.

"We can fix her now," Fletch dropped the pig on the bed by Jac and rummaged around in a store cupboard before returning with a handful of supplies. "2-0 prolene, right?"

But Jac had turned away, uninterested with the pig.

"Right, well I know I'm not as skilled as you but I'm sure I could give this a go," Fletch returned to the edge of Jac's bed and pulled out the surgical equipment, hoping she'd want to take over. "You sure you don't want to do this? I'll probably end up sewing her leg on the wrong way."

Fletch held out the needle in Jac's direction but she refused to turn around and he had to check that she was still awake. The past week had been difficult for both of them. Fletch had spent every spare moment at her side, but with a busy ward and agency nurses to contend with he hadn't managed to see her as much as he'd hoped. She was looking better, but the nasal cannula and various drips still attached to her skin worried him. He knew she was a fighter, she had proved that many times over the past year, but there was only so much one person could take, and he wasn't willing to let her give up just yet.

The ring of his phone finally drew his attention away from Jac.

"Essie, hi," Fletch tucked his mobile between his ear and shoulder as he threaded the surgical needle and retrieved Sarah before she fell off the side of the bed.

"Where are you?" Essie asked immediately and Fletch could tell from the tone of her voice that there was something wrong.

"I'm with Jac," he answered. "What's wrong?"

"I need your help."

* * *

Fletch let Essie finish explaining and paused, his hands shaking slightly as his gaze fell on Jac.

"I'll be right there."

Essie had hung up without responding and Fletch took a deep breath.

"What is it?" Jac asked, the tiredness evident in her voice as she turned to face him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Fletch lied as he dropped his phone back in to his pocket. "I just need to be somewhere. I won't be long."

"Fletch."

"There's nothing to worry about," Fletch tried to smile but it fell from his lips almost instantly. "I'll be right back."

"Fletcher," her voice was stern but he didn't miss the rise in her heart rate on the monitor.

"It's Sacha," the words tumbled from his lips without him realising and he could see her tense immediately.

"What's happened to him? Where is he?" Her eyes fixed on Fletch.

He knew there was no point in lying to her. Not now. She was going to worry anyway so she may as well know as much as he did.

"He's on the roof."

Fletch could see the pain in her eyes as her breath caught in her throat almost instantly. It had taken her only a split second to understand what he meant by his words, and that was enough for Fletch to know that there was no way he could have left without telling her. It wasn't unusual for a member of staff to let off some steam on the roof after a long shift, but Jac knew that this was different. She knew Sacha better than anyone else in the hospital.

"No."

"Look, I'm going up there now, ok? He'll be fine. I'll make sure of it," Fletch tried to reason, taking her hand in both of his. "I'll let you know as soon as he's safe."

He couldn't help but glance at the heart rate monitor again, watching the warning lights flash.

"I need to be there," Jac said as she pulled her hand away. "I need to go."

"What, no!" Fletch tried to reason but Jac was already pulling the bed sheets away and trying to untangle her arm between the wires. "Jac, please stop and think about this."

"I don't need to," Jac said sternly, her eyes meeting Fletch's. "I just need your help."

"No!"

"Fine. I'll go without you if I have to," she turned away from Fletch again and he shook his head.

"And how exactly are you going to do that."

"I'll convince someone to help," Jac shrugged. "I can be very persuasive. I'm sure Gaskell's little princess would be eager to assist."

He didn't miss her tone of voice.

"I know exactly how persuasive you can be," Fletch raised an eyebrow. "But you don't seem to be grasping the seriousness of the situation. You're in ITU. You can't just leave."

"Watch me."

"Jac-"

"I've been asking them for days to move me out of here."

"And they haven't," Fletch frowned. "For a reason! You're not well enough. I'm not taking you anywhere."

"Then I'll discharge myself."

Fletch raised an eyebrow and nodded towards the tubes and wires still attached to her body.

"Even you know that's not possible right now. You're not well enough," Fletch placed his hands on her shoulders as she tried to move again and noticed her wince at the pain. "Even if you weren't in ITU – you were in a coma, Jac. Sepsis, possible multiple organ failure, surgery on your spine. Does any of this sound familiar right now?"

"I know," she said quietly and the tears that ran down her cheeks were enough to stop Fletch in his tracks. "But this is Sacha."

Fletch tried to push away his frustration; even Evie was easier to reason with, he thought.

"You died, Jac," Fletch said quietly, his hand now on hers to keep her from moving any further. "Your heart stopped. If it hadn't been Hanssen and Roxanna in surgery I don't think you'd be here right now."

There was a silence between them and he could tell that Jac was avoiding his gaze.

"I didn't know-"

"You didn't know that I knew," Fletch finished. "Hanssen told Sacha. Sacha told me. I knew it was bad when I found you but I didn't realise just how close we'd come to losing you. We were terrified. I was terrified."

Silence again.

"But you've just said it, Fletch," Jac spoke to their hands. "It was Sacha that told you. It was Sacha that called Jonny and made sure Emma was ok. Between you and Sacha- If it was you on that roof I'd fight just as hard to be there for you."

The words hung in the air until they finally sunk in and Fletch knew that she was right. They had fought against the odds to save Jac. Hadn't for a moment considered giving up. They were her family, and family looked after each other.

He just hoped he didn't later regret his decision to listen to her now.

"You've just had more than one major surgery," Fletch sighed, running a hand over his stubbly chin. "Have you even started your physio yet?"

Silence.

"Of course you haven't," Fletch run his thumb over the back of Jac's hand. "Because you're not strong enough. Because you need time for your body to recover. You're still not out the woods yet, especially with one kidney."

Jac gave Fletch a look.

"Yeah, I know about that too."

Jac closed her eyes and laughed slightly.

"Sacha," she sighed. She knew Fletch wouldn't have gone through her medical notes, but Sacha knew more about her than anyone else.

"Sacha."

There was a pause before Fletch threw his head back and let out a shout of frustration.

"Fletch. We're wasting time," Jac pleaded, her hands clenched to stop them from shaking. "We need to go, now. I'm not just going to sit here and let him die!"

Her voice caught on a sob and Fletch noticed the heart rate monitor spike as her hand found her chest and she started to cough.

"Ok," Fletch spoke gently, leaning over to run a hand along her arm as she fought to steady her breathing. "Calm down."

"I can't lose him, Fletch," she said quietly but he could still hear the catch of her breath.

Fletch paused for a second, squeezing his eyes shut. Every part of him was screaming not to give in. Not to put her life in danger even for a second.

"You asked me where my family was-"

"Please don't throw that back at me-"

"I'm not," Jac said seriously as Fletch's hand came to rest on her shoulder. "I promise you I'm not. But truth is, my family is here. And right now, one of the most important people in my life is stood on a rooftop threatening to do something stupid, and I have to be there to talk to him. I know it's selfish, but I won't let him leave me too."

She was right, of course, and he knew she wasn't trying to guilt him in to agreeing with her. But Sacha needed her there. And if he stayed close enough, Fletch could monitor her from the rooftop; any sign that something was wrong and he would bring her back to ITU. Like Jac said, she could be very persuasive. And Sacha needed that right now. A friendly face and a voice of reason.

"Alright!" he groaned as he reached up and tilted her chin until she was looking at him properly. "Five minutes. No more. Roxanna will have my guts for garters if she finds out."

"Oh, shut up," Jac smiled slightly. "I'll tell her it was all my idea."

"It is all your idea!"

"Well, you'll be fine then won't you."

"It's not me I'm worried about," Fletch mumbled.

She held out her hands and tilted her head, just as she had done all those months ago, her way of asking for help.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," he shook his head as he stood from the side of her bed and pulled the sheets right back, trying to work out how they were going to take the various drips with them. But Jac reached over and pulled out the cannula from the back of her hand before he could stop her.

"Jac, did you have to! You still need antibiotics," Fletch sounded incredulous.

"I'll sort it out when we get back," she shrugged but Fletch had frozen.

"You really are insufferable some times."

"I know, and stubborn and feckless and off my rocker and whatever else…" Jac muttered but Fletch didn't miss the sarcasm in her voice as she quoted his earlier lines. She had been just as stubborn following the shooting as she was now.

"Fine, but I'm taking the oxygen with us," Fletch demanded as he fiddled around with the tubes, eventually attaching the right connections to a portable oxygen tank which he placed on the back of a nearby wheelchair.

With one hand under her knees and the other supporting her back, he let her wrap an arm across his shoulders and around his neck before he gently lifted her into a wheelchair, tucking a blanket over her knees.

It took a few minutes to arrange the various tubes and wires around her small frame, and Fletch was acutely aware of way Jac flinched and held her breath against the pain he knew she was in. The paleness of her skin and laboured breathing worried him, every part of his being screaming at him to change his mind.

And yet this was Jac Naylor. She wasn't going to take no for an answer, and he'd much rather be the one to keep an eye on her if she was going to be anywhere other than ITU. Gaskell and Roxanne really were going to string him up once they found out that Jac had left the ward.

But even from a hospital bed, Jac was scarier than either of them could ever be.

"I feel like I'm helping a fugitive," Fletch groaned as he checked the coast was clear and pushed open the door.

* * *

"He won't listen to anyone," Essie trembled as she ran towards them, stopping short as she realised it wasn't just Fletch that had come through the doors to the roof. "How did you two get up the stairs-?"

"Don't ask," Fletch shook his head and Essie could see how exhausted he looked. "With the help of a very confused security guard."

Fletch didn't fancy going into detail of how he had carried Jac up the remaining stairs while the security guard dealt with the wheelchair. He had thought for a split second about arguing how stupid their plan was, until he remembered who he would be arguing with and thought better of it. There was no way Jac would let him take her so close and then no further, knowing Sacha needed her help.

But Essie didn't seem to need any more explanation.

"It's so much worse than the last time," she addressed Jac who nodded her head in understanding. "And I was so caught up in my own problems to realise."

"You and me both," Jac sighed. "I should have known. He can only play the joker for so long until it catches up with him."

"Should you really be up here?" Essie looked worried as she glanced between Jac and Sacha. "I thought you were still in ITU."

"You expect Jac Naylor to listen to anyone," Fletch raised an eyebrow and was met with a glare from the consultant. "If anyone asks, you didn't see us here."

Essie nodded as she turned back to Sacha again and Jac could see how close he was to the edge of the roof, his eyes shut and hands at his side.

"I've asked security to keep everyone else away from the roof," Essie explained.

"I know, Jac's just told one of them to piss off when they told us we couldn't come up," Fletch said, the uneasy feeling in his stomach returning.

"I only came up here to get some air," Essie ran a hand through her hair. "You know, first week back and all that."

Fletch gave Essie a small smile and ran a hand along her shoulder.

"We'll talk him down, don't worry," he reassured her. "He just needs a little time."

"I've tried everything," she shook her head and shrugged slightly. "I just feel so useless."

"Let's give Jac five minutes, see if it makes any difference," Fletch suggested. "Maybe a different voice will be enough to ease him away."

"I'll try anything," Essie said as she let Fletch pass, pushing Jac as close as he dared towards Sacha and the edge of the roof. She had been unusually quiet since they had got to the rooftop and he couldn't tell if it was from the effort of getting up the stairs or the sight of her best friend stood so close to the edge, but either way Fletch was worried again.

He placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed slightly.

"Five minutes, and I'll be stood right at the door," Fletch said, tilting his head towards where Essie was still standing. "Any problems and we're going back inside."

Jac just nodded in response.

He was numb. The evening was warm, save for a slight summer breeze that tickled the back of his neck, and yet his body somehow didn't feel like his own. He was numb, and yet everything hurt. It was quiet, but his mind was screaming.

It was a long way down from the hospital roof. It would be quick. Painless. It may even take a few minutes before anyone got to him. Which suited him just fine.

"Sacha."

Her voice. It was her voice that broke through the darkness that surrounded his mind, and yet he knew that it was his head playing tricks on him again. Because she couldn't be here. She was downstairs, hooked up to machines to keep her alive, after he had failed to save her.

His best friend. The only person who really understood him. The only one who was there for him when Rachel was ill, when his depression threatened his job, when he lost all control over who he was.

"Sacha, it's me."

He didn't dare turn around. His messed up head was playing tricks on him, trying desperately to hang on to a life that had been falling apart for months. And yet it sounded so very like her.

It wasn't Essie any more. She had left, he had watched her go. She had tried to talk him out of doing anything stupid and then she had left, just like everyone else in his life. But this time it was because he had told her to. And he was so relived when she listened.

He couldn't have her around him, she wasn't safe when he was near her. She belonged in the hospital, with her patients, making people smile and with others who could look out for her. Dom would make sure she was ok.

"Sacha, don't make me regret coming up here!"

There was no mistaking her voice, and the forcefulness in her tone was enough to draw his attention away from the edge and to the rooftop behind him.

She looked so small. So fragile. He could see her hands shaking slightly even from a distance and her eyes had lost their determined sparkle, but it was her.

"Jac."

She smiled weakly.

"What are you doing up here?"

He knew that she knew. He didn't have to explain himself. She was his best friend and often seemed to know him better than he knew himself, but the thought of telling her exactly how he felt made his stomach churn.

"I don't know," he whispered, more to himself than anyone else and he saw Jac close her eyes slightly at his words.

"It doesn't have to be like this," she tried to reason. "I'm not going to pretend that I know how you're feeling, but I can try to help if you'll let me."

Sacha attempted a smile but his lip barely twitched.

"There's no point-"

"Don't you dare," her voice was stern again, her eyebrows furrowed. "Don't you dare, Sacha Levy."

A silence fell between them and Sacha could hear the blood pulsing through his ears. Teasing him. Reminding him that he was very much alive while the people he had promised to keep safe were not.

"Please step away from the edge," Jac spoke again, holding out her hand. He could see the effort it took her just to keep it there. "Please, Sacha. I need you."

"No one needs me," Sacha shook his head. "I'm no use to anyone. Not my kids. Not my patients. Not anyone."

"Stop it, Sacha," Jac spoke sternly. "Stop it and look at me, please."

He shook his head slightly.

"You shouldn't be up here," he didn't try to hide the tears that ran down his cheeks. "You could die."

"And so could you!" Jac pleaded, her own tears stinging her eyes. "Please come back inside. We can talk properly, somewhere it's warmer."

It was only then that Sacha noticed her tremble against the cold, her skin so worryingly pale. Like it had been the day he'd almost lost her for good. Like the day Fredrik had threatened to steal away his best friend without giving him a chance to say goodbye.

And now he had the chance to say it properly and he didn't want to. Not really.

"I can't do this any more, Jac," Sacha shook his head again, his eyes swimming with emotions. "I can't see a way back. A way out."

"Then let me help you," Jac pleaded. "I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like for either of us, but lets work it out together. We can help each other. Please, Sacha."

Her breath caught again and Jac squeezed her eyes closed as she focused on steadying her breathing. Fletch moved as if to be by her side but she shook her head slightly and he reluctantly returned to stand next to Essie who instantly grabbed his wrist for reassurance.

"Give me one good reason, Sacha," Jac frowned. "One good thing that would come out of this."

"The pain would stop."

"Not good enough."

"I though you of all people would understand, Jac."

"No," she shook her head again, giving him a stern look. "I know exactly how much it hurts, Sacha. But this-" she threw a hand in his direction. "This doesn't mean the pain stops. You step over the edge and the pain wins. But it doesn't go away. It just gets passed on to the people who love you, and I can't take any more Sacha. I can't handle any more pain."

There was a pause.

"If you step over the edge, you may as well take me with you. Because I can't do this without you."

"Please don't say that."

"You know when I'm lying. You always do. And you know that I'm being truthful now."

There was a pause.

"I'm not leaving here without you," Jac said simply.

"I can't go back. Not now."

"Why? Because you were human enough to have a break down? Because you dared to feel enough, to let everything get on top of you?" Jac frowned and Sacha knew that it wasn't only him that she was thinking of when she spoke those words. "It happens, Sacha. The important thing is what you do afterwards. I can help you, but only if you let me. Please let me help you."

The tears that ran down her cheeks caused his breath to catch in his throat. She had been through so much over the years, and had often turned to Sacha for support. Reluctantly. And yet he could still count on one hand how many times he had seen her cry.

"Why now? What's so different about today?" she asked.

"I failed him. He was so young, so full of life. He trusted me and I failed him."

Jac sighed slightly, giving him a knowing look.

"That's part of the job, Sacha. We win some and we lose some."

"But he should have been a win," Sacha said quietly as a tear ran down his cheek. "I promised him I could help and then everything went wrong. I messed it up. I failed."

"We've all been there," Jac said sadly, dropping her gaze to her knees. "But that's what makes you human. That's what makes you the brilliant surgeon you are; you care, Sacha. You care more about your patients than you do yourself. Everyone else comes first and you get forget about. But I can look after you, if you let me."

"You have more important things to worry about," Sacha raised an eyebrow but refused to look at her properly. She was right, of course.

"You're important to me."

He turned around again at her words and her eyes met his, a sob escaping his chest.

"Please come back inside with me," she cried. "Sacha-"

Jac's eyes found his again but her words were lost as her breath caught in her throat and she gasped for air, her hand finding her chest.

Fletch was at her side almost instantly, kneeling down to look at her properly and taking her hand to check her pulse.

"We need to get you back inside," he told her but she shook her head, pushing him away.

"I'm fine," she said quietly but both of them could see her body shaking.

"Jac, you're not well. You can't be out here," Sacha moved towards her slightly as she held out her hand again.

"I'm not going back without you."

He had been worried that if she woke up – no, when she woke up – that she wouldn't be the same person he had known before. The same stubborn, head-strong woman that would fight tooth and nail for what she believed in.

And yet here she was. On the roof of the hospital building only a week after being on life support – a week since he had nearly lost her forever – demanding that he listen to her.

"Five more minutes," Jac turned to Fletch who still had a hold of her hand. "Then I promise we'll go back. Please."

Fletch hesitated, his eyes again flicking between Jac and Sacha.

"Fine, but you don't get a say next time," he sighed before returning to where Essie was waiting.

"You should listen to him," Sacha spoke, his attention on the edge of the building. "He knows what he's talking about."

"I'm fine," Jac lied, knowing how careful she had to be now. He looked so perilously close to the edge that she was glad she couldn't move from the wheelchair because she was sure she would have tried to grab him away by now.

"I had to call Jonny," Sacha spoke eventually. "I had to let him know that Emma might lose her Mum, and the whole time I couldn't do anything to stop it. You were dying and all I could do was watch."

"Sacha."

"I'm supposed to be a surgeon. I'm supposed to help people. But all I do is make things worse," his voice wobbled.

"You saved me!"

"I'm the reason you're sat where you are now!" Sacha shouted back, his hands shaking. "I'm the one that did that to you. I cut you open and caused you all the pain, then tried to talk you out of Gaskell's trial despite the fact that you were in agony every second of the day. It's my fault."

"You're not the one who pulled the trigger," Jac said sternly. "You're the one who fought for me then and I'm fighting for you now. Even if that means I have to stay up here with you all night."

"I cut you open in an unsterile environment and then panicked," Sacha turned back to Jac and she could see an anger in his features. "Gaskell saved you. If it were up to me, you would have bled out on the table because I was too scared to do anything."

"Rubbish."

"No, it's not."

"Yes it is!" Jac shouted and Sacha saw the pain flash across her features even as she tried to hide it. But she could never hide it from him. "Years ago you sauntered into my life, annoying the hell out of me on your first shift, and practically told me that we weren't going to go away until we were friends. You didn't know what you were letting yourself in for when you told me that, and I still don't know why you chose me, but every day I'm so grateful that you did."

Jac paused but Sacha didn't know how to respond.

"You refused to give up on me then, despite how difficult I made it for you to be around me, and I refuse to give up on you now," Jac said sternly. "You have saved me from myself so many times over the years and stopped me from making some really stupid decisions, but I need you more now than ever. I can't do this without you."

"You don't need me. You have Fletch. And since when do you really need looking after."

Jac laughed but he could see the hurt in her eyes.

"That's not the Sacha Levy I know," she shook her head. "My Sacha stuck post it notes around my locker and booked me a consultation when I refused to get checked over after donating a kidney. My Sacha let me shout abuse at him on this very rooftop when I was terrified I had cancer, and then still came to find me with the results because you knew he was the only one I'd listen to. He was the one who stopped by mine with a bottle of wine and a new film for Emma, even after I had been a royal bitch, and let me take it all out on him.

"Sacha, you were the one who got me through so much in my life. And yes, Fletch has been around too lately, but there are some things that only you can help me with. I need a Sacha special. I need you. I love you."

"I love you too. You know I do."

Jac held out her hands and Sacha realised that for the first time in all the years he had known her, she was openly offering him a hug.

"You must be drugged up. You hate hugs."

"I know. It's a one-time offer. Use it or lose it."

Sacha smiled slightly, his gaze still drifting back to the edge of the wall but his feet almost subconsciously telling him to step away. He took a step back and instantly felt the tightness in his chest relax.

"Please, Sacha."

He glanced back up and could see the tears swimming in Jac's eyes. Before her hands fell to her lap and her eyes slowly dropped closed as she tried to keep her head steady. Sacha seemed to move instinctively; he was away from the edge of the roof and by her side in seconds, kneeling down beside her and taking her wrist in his hand to check her pulse.

But Jac pulled her hand free and took hold of his properly, squeezing tight.

"Don't you dare do anything so stupid again," she cried as she blinked open her eyes again and clenched his shirt between her fingers. "Don't ever threaten to leave me again. I need you Sacha Levy, more than you'll ever know."

"I'm sorry," he sobbed as he leant over until his head was on Jac's knee, his tears running off his cheeks and on to her blanket. She learnt over as much as possible and wrapped her arms around him, kissing the top of his head and gripping hold of his shirt.

"It's going to be ok," she whispered as she let him cry. "Everything is going to be ok. We're going to go inside now."

There wasn't room for argument.

"Ok," Sacha choked as his chest heaved with more unshed tears and he was faintly aware of Fletch and Essie only feet away. "Ok."

* * *

"Spend as long as you want with her and then come and find us," Fletch spoke gently as Essie gave Sacha a tight hug. "We'll get you the help you need, ok? There's no shame in any of this."

Sacha nodded slightly, his eyes still wet with tears.

"Thank you," he choked but Fletch shook his head.

"Don't thank me," he tilted his head in Jac's direction. "You know how stubborn she is, there was no way I was going to be able to leave without taking her with me. She knew you needed her, but she doesn't seem to realise just how much she needs you too. Go speak to her, let her know that you'll alright."

Sacha nodded and made his way back to Jac's bed where he propped himself up on the edge, exactly where Fletch had been previously.

"I'm sorry," he said as soon as he reached Jac but she shook her head.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," she said sternly. "Just don't ever let things get that bad again, you know you're always welcome round mine to let off some steam. Emma wants you to help her build a lego farm. With a giraffe. And apparently you're the only one who can help her because you know every animal noise in the world and I don't. I'd suggest you look up what noise a giraffe makes because she's bound to ask you."

Sacha chuckled.

"I'd like that."

The thoughts from earlier that morning still lingered at the back of his mind, as a difficult case always did, but Sacha could finally feel the muscles in his body relax as he listened to the steady beep of machinery and watched his best friend fight off the tiredness that was so evident in her eyes.

She looked exhausted, despite the fact that Fletch had managed to reconnect the various drips and monitors to her pale skin. Roxanna had noticed she was missing, of course, and Fletch had had to explain as best he could why he had agreed to move her from ITU on to the rooftop without informing her. None of them were in Roxanna's good book at the moment but she had agreed to leave them alone again after giving Jac a thorough once over and checking her stats.

Sacha had watched as Fletch lifted Jac from the wheelchair and carried her back down the stairs from the roof, portable oxygen tank gripped precariously in one hand as a security guard brought down the wheelchair. He had noticed the pain that flashed across Jac's features and the way her eyes dropped closed the second Fletch wasn't looking. And he had known that it was all because of him. He was the reason she was on the rooftop instead of being closely monitored in ITU, and yet he doubted he would have done anything differently had the tables been turned.

He would fight against anyone in order to keep her safe. Which is why he had been so terrified of losing her the week before. How could he help save her when they hadn't known what was killing her?

He reached out to pull the bed sheets further up Jac's chest and noticed the glint of a needle on the nearby table.

"Why-" he started as he reached over and picked it up, pulling with it a long line of prolene with a soft pig attached to the end. "Is that Sarah?"

Jac laughed and nodded.

"Fletch was sewing her leg back on for Emma," she smiled.

There was a pause before-

"Jonny told me that you called him," she sounded quiet, almost apologetic. "Thank you for not treating him like a normal relative. People always seem to forget that he's a nurse, but I know you gave it to him straight and let him decide what was best for Emma. And I appreciate that. I know you're always there when I need you, but Sacha I will _always_ need you, so you better stick around for a very long time."

Sacha smiled slightly.

"Get some sleep," he said as he placed his hand over hers and she turned his over to grip it tight, her eyes drifting closed and her breathing evening out. "I'm not going anywhere."

This had been the hardest year of his life, and yet he had somehow made his way through it despite being beat up and broken at the other end.

And Jac had been right, unsurprisingly. There was no way to stop the sinking feeling that came with losing a patient, but he could get through it just like everyone else. It didn't make him cold or heartless, it made him a good surgeon and meant that he was there for the next patient that needed him.

And he could be there for Jac too. Not as a surgeon, but as a friend. A shoulder to cry on or a verbal punching bag, he would be there for her in a split second, most of the time before she even knew she needed him.

The demons in his head were quiet. He knew that they were waiting for the right time to rear their ugly heads again but right now, with Jac's warm hand resting in his, they had been caged for a little longer.

He could see Fletch and Essie through the glass door and knew that they would be talking about him. And he also knew that if there was any chance of him getting better he had to speak to someone. Bottling it up only worked for so long, he had found that out the hard way.

But there were people out there to help: professionals, friends, family. He wasn't in this alone, despite what the demons liked to taunt him.

Sacha smiled slightly as he made to leave but Jac's hand gripped his tighter.

"You need to fix Sarah first," she smiled, eyes still closed, and Sacha chuckled. "You fix Sarah and we'll help to fix you."

Sasha leaned forwards and kissed her softly on the forehead.

"Deal."


End file.
